📚 Reading List
Curated books from the evidence base behind every piece of advice.
Communication
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman & Nan Silver
A research-based guide from the world's leading relationship researcher, distilling decades of lab observations into seven actionable principles. Covers love maps, fondness, turning toward, and managing solvable vs. perpetual problems.
Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson
The foundational book on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), showing how attachment bonds shape conflict patterns. Includes seven healing conversations for couples to break negative cycles.
Nonviolent Communication
Marshall Rosenberg
A practical framework for expressing needs without blame and hearing the needs behind others' words. Teaches observation, feeling, need, and request as the four components of compassionate dialogue.
The Five Love Languages
Gary Chapman
Identifies five ways people give and receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Helps couples understand why well-intentioned efforts sometimes miss the mark.
Crucial Conversations
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Tools for talking when stakes are high and emotions run strong. Covers how to stay in dialogue under pressure, make it safe to talk about anything, and turn arguments into shared understanding.
Conflict & Repair
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
John Gottman
Introduces the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) that predict divorce with 93% accuracy. Provides self-tests and exercises to identify and reverse destructive patterns.
Dance of Anger
Harriet Lerner
Shows how anger signals something that matters and can be used for positive change rather than destruction. Guides readers through 'de-tracking' from family conflict cycles.
Fighting for Your Marriage
Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan Blumberg
Based on the PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) research, this book teaches the Speaker-Listener technique and structured conflict resolution skills proven to reduce relationship deterioration.
Intimacy & Connection
Mating in Captivity
Esther Perel
Explores the paradox of domesticity and eroticism — why desire dies in long-term relationships and how to reconcile intimacy with mystery. Perel argues that fire needs air, not fusion.
The State of Affairs
Esther Perel
A nuanced look at infidelity — why people cheat, what affairs mean, and how couples can rebuild or redefine their relationship afterward. Challenges binary narratives of betrayal.
Come as You Are
Emily Nagoski
Reveals the science of women's sexuality, emphasizing that every body has its own context-dependent arousal pattern. Introduces the dual control model (accelerator and brake) in an accessible, validating way.
Trust & Betrayal
After the Affair
Janis Abrahms Spring
A compassionate roadmap for both the hurt and unfaithful partner, covering the three stages of healing: crisis, insight, and vision. Includes practical exercises for rebuilding trust step by step.
Not Just Friends
Shirley P. Glass
The definitive guide to understanding and healing from emotional and physical affairs. Glass provides a research-based framework for recognizing risky friendships, rebuilding trust after betrayal, and setting boundaries that protect relationships.
What Makes Love Last?
John Gottman
Gottman applies his trust metric research to show how couples can build (or erode) trust over time. Includes practical exercises and the ATTUNE framework for affair-proofing your relationship.
The Body Keeps the Score
Bessel van der Kolk
Essential reading for couples dealing with trauma's impact on relationships. Explains how the body stores traumatic experiences and how this manifests as reactivity, withdrawal, or emotional flooding.
Attached
Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Makes attachment theory practical for adults — identifying as anxious, avoidant, or secure, and understanding how these styles interact. Particularly helpful for understanding pursue-withdraw dynamics.
Personal Growth
Daring Greatly
Brené Brown
Shows how vulnerability is not weakness but the birthplace of connection, creativity, and love. Brown's research on shame resilience is essential for anyone struggling to show up authentically in relationships.
Rising Strong
Brené Brown
The physics of bouncing back after a fall — whether it's a fight, a failure, or a heartbreak. Teaches the 'reckoning, rumble, revolution' process for turning difficult emotions into wisdom.
Mindset
Carol Dweck
Introduces the fixed vs. growth mindset distinction, which profoundly affects how couples handle feedback, setbacks, and each other's development. A growth mindset in relationships means believing people can change.
Getting the Love You Want
Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
Introduces Imago Relationship Therapy, which uses structured dialogue to help couples understand how childhood wounds drive partner selection and conflict. The Intentional Dialogue exercise is practical and transformative.
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